… Date With Standards!

Talk about a long week, Curvy Girls! I don’t know if it was from a jam-packed weekend or the lack of sleep, but I’ve literally been surviving off of coffee this entire week (thank goodness for PSL!).  Normally, I know exactly what I want to share with you in my weekly blog posts, but because the struggle was so real this week (I would blame Kanye since I went to his concert on Saturday), I asked some of my friends what they wanted to hear from me in this week’s post.  The feedback that I got was so awesome and made for a tough decision!  I had several women wanting to hear about positive body image and healthy lifestyle (trust me, that is going to be coming up soon, especially since the holidays are around the corner), there were a couple who wanted job and interview help, but one subject stood out: curvy girls and dating!  I have posted in the past about keeping relationships spicy and exciting, but I haven’t tackled the subject of dating and I think that the timing is perfect!  One thing that this friend mentioned in her message to me, was if I had seen the “Big Girls Won’t Text Back Either” shirts on Instagram. I hadn’t, so I made a move to IG and looked at @flawsofcouture to take a look at the shirts.  Not only is this plus size beauty calling it out like it is, but she’s really making a statement about some of the stereotypes that can come with Curvy Girls dating in our society (a woman after my own heart!). With crop top shirts that read “No, Honey you’re thinner than me not prettier”,  “Pretty Period”, and “Pretty for a Big Girl”, I became instantly intrigued with the idea that these statements have weirdly become a norm in our society.  If you remember back to my first post (Who is this Curvy Girl?), I mentioned that I was over the annoying titles and irritating descriptions that I’ve heard throughout my adult life, so seeing these shirts make me wonder how their messaging affects us Curvy Girls.

I, sadly, can’t count on my hands anymore the times I have had men and even friends say “you’re cute for a big girl” or “wow you’re dating someone” as if it’s a surprise that I would actually find someone to date.  And don’t get me started on the guys who walk up to me at the bar or message me on a dating app who think “she’s a big girl and desperate, so I’m totally sure she’ll have sex with me.” Of course, when I school them on the fact that I have STANDARDS, I get the ridiculous comments of “well you’re fat anyways” or something equally lame. Even with my thick-skinned personality, it’s completely unacceptable to speak to ANY human being that way!  These comments have launched women into deep depressions, pushed self-esteem to an all-time low, and given some a feeling of hopelessness in the love department.  With that being said, I am here to tell my Curvy Girls that you are worthy and deserving of love!  Check out some of my personal dating tips and advice for my single ladies looking for a bae!

Know What You Want

This seems like a no-brainer, but honestly this was one of things that I didn’t fully figure out until I started dating around.  I thought I wanted a fun and casual dating life, but once I started putting it out there, I got WAY too many offers for Netflix and Chill than someone who I could seriously be with. After I received one too many guys trying to sleep with me because I wanted “casual”, I had to reevaluate!  What did I really want? Did I want to be 30 and dating lots of men? Or did I want a committed relationship that could grow into marriage? For me it was the latter. So moral of the story is that the more you know about your wants, the less time you’ll waste dating the wrong people.

Get Rid of Your List

You know what list I’m talking about!  I had one that could rivaled the Dugger’s grocery list.  Yes, you should have things that are deal breakers in mind when you’re starting to date, but having a list of 50+ items that a person must have will only stifle your dating success.  When I realized that my list was knocking out so many potential men to date, I made the decision to let that control go and dwindle the list down to my top 5 important factors.  I also made a really conscious decision to make the list not superficial and only included items that would have a positive effect on my life, not just a relationship. So there was no more “needs to take care of my financially” or “has to be over 6′ tall” on the list. Take a look at my list below and see what I’m talking about!

1. Honest
2. Respectful
3. Family Oriented
4. Funny
5. Mature Personality

Create the Right Branding for Yourself

One of my biggest pet peeves about online dating are the people who take the half-naked pictures and expect for someone to take them seriously!  If you’ve decided what you want and the important factors you want in your boo, why set yourself up to find the complete opposite of that through your picture?  When I started posting picture, I looked for images that represented my personality, my personal morals and values, and of course where I looked dynamite (wink wink). I also made sure to post a full body picture; don’t try to hide who you are by post 30 selfies of yourself and think that they’ll think you’re smaller than you are (I seen it before!).  Just be you and if the guy isn’t into it, it’s his loss!  Lastly, don’t get all filter crazy either!  I LOVE a good filter, but don’t try to look like you have an incredible Hawaiian tan, but you burn at the sight of sun. Keep it natural and use filters to enhance, not change your look all together. Take a look at the picture I used on my dating profiles!

 Shut Down the Bullshit

Yes, shut it down!  Don’t give people the time of day who aren’t on your level. When I first started online dating, I would entertain all kinds of mess that would lead me to realizing that the person was off their rockers.  If you have a gut feeling or get a weird vibe, shut it down!  I would feel so bad and didn’t want anyone to feel rejected, so I would kind of disappear or keep the conversations short and sweet.  What I realized is that disappearing is rude… period end of story, and keeping things going is a waste of your time when you could be finding the love of your life. Learning the art of polite rejection was a bit of a game changer for me because a quick “Hey it was great talking, but I think we’re looking for two different things” or “I appreciate you reaching out, but I’m only interested in guys who [insert the trait]” made it clear that I wasn’t into it and that I was no longer going to entertain their messages.  I do want to make this VERY clear… this is NOT for every guy hitting you up on OkCupid!  This is for people who you may have chatted with a couple of times or maybe they seemed cool, but keep blowing you up and you’re creeped out by it. If you spend your time politely rejecting people, you will be spending all of you’re time doing that and not actually finding your boo.

Be Brave

When I started online dating, I was so scared to actually meet someone that I would literally get a stomach ache!  It was such a nerve-racking process that I had a hard time pushing through the uncomfortable feeling. I was feeling that way because the men I was connecting with were rushing to meet me (like seriously that same day!) and I wasn’t into that. Of course, it’s different for everyone, but for me I felt better when I could talk to someone for a while (about 3-7 days) on the app or website, then move to phone calls or texts and then onto a date.  I really wanted to get to know the guys before I ran to Starbucks to meet them; I wanted to make sure that there was a connection before make myself sick with panic and worry.  Luckily, the guys who didn’t want to wait, weeded themselves out and I actually got really nice and genuine guys to date.

If it Feels Right in Your Gut, Give it a Fighting Chance

It sounds basic, but I had to figure this one out!  Because I was a slave to the list for a long time, I would let it dictate how things would good during the dating process.  He didn’t have a great job? Sorry buddy, but I want you to take care of my financially. Or he’s not as outgoing as I want him to be? See ya around sucker!  When I let go of the list and followed my gut, I ended up finding an amazing guy who wasn’t perfect, but was exactly what I wanted and needed.  I didn’t put a bunch of expectation on a timeline (we didn’t need to be official in 3 months nor did I need to meet his parents by this date), I went with the flow and gave us time to grow into whatever we was meant to grow into.  Whether we were destined to be just friends, a work connection or in a relationship, I just let it be and enjoyed my time with him. It was really a freeing feeling and made dating so much more fun without any kind of pressure or expectations for both of us!

Now Curvy Girls, I am in no way a dating expert, but I know that all of these things made my dating life so much better and easier!  I think the most important thing to come out of this post is that no matter what people say or the stereotype people throw out there, everyone is deserving of love; it has nothing to do with size, race, creed, religion or sexual orientation.  I hope that my tips and advice will help you as you take on the dating scene one bar and dating app at a time.  What dating tips to you live by, Curvy Girls?  Comment below and share the love:)

xoxo,

M