This topic again? Yes, this topic has popped back up. In February, I wrote the first part of this blog as a Valentine’s Day gift to my single girls who have stressed about meeting Mr. Right! I didn’t realize that I wasn’t really done with the topic until a few weeks ago when I started reflecting on my recent break up and the closure I was seeking. Without getting into the details of the end of my year and a half relationship, I had an epiphany that made me realize that I have been self-sabotaging my relationships in certain aspects. Now I am not saying I was the demise of my relationship by any means because that’s really the furthest thing from the truth; we both contributed to that in our own ways. For a couple months, I was waiting for closure from him and an apology, but at the recommendation from a friend from High School, I started reading a book called Lady In Waiting: Becoming God’s Best While Waiting for Mr. Right. As a person who believes in God and has been using my relationship with Him and my church as a way to heal from the break up, I was game to read it. I do want to put this disclaimer out there; this book clearly has a Christian POV, but it really explains how we as women view, deal, understand, and comprise in relationships. As I read through each chapter, I felt like the authors had secretly been spying on me and dictating all of the things I had did in the relationship throughout the pagees. From defrauding myself (the act of manipulating situations in a relationship to hold tighter to your boo) to having sex freely in the hopes that this will keep your man happy, it all was things that I had in past relationship had done! I know I’m not alone in this because I’ve had hours upon hours of girl talk with my tribe on these topics. So this week, I want to share my new normal when it comes to relationships in hopes to be open about myself (because I am not perfect) and that I can connect with some of my Curvy Girls who are struggling on the dating circuit.
The first thing I’ve come to accept and realize is that insecurity ruled my relationship! As much security that he tried to give me, I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, so I stayed ready for disappointment. It’s like the song by Danity Kane, Damaged, “So Damaged, And you can blame the one before, How you gonna fix it, fit it?” I was damaged from bad relationships and situationships of the past and I wasn’t sure how to fix it, so I expected him to do it (clearly not his job!). Instead of seeing the relationship for what it was and enjoying that, I had that little voice in my head constantly asking questions (you know that voice that wants to know who, what, when, where, how). Now that the fog has lifted and I am starting to reflect, I see clearly that I have some work to do on myself and why I
was am insecure when it comes to men and relationships.
Next on the list, living in a fairy tale bubble and not reality. I didn’t always do it, but I did it enough that I believed that this man was “the one”. He’s nice and has good qualities, but I don’t know if I could say he’s the end of all, be all of my world now that my rose colored glasses are off. There were so many times where I would hear one thing and think another. I daydreamed of kids, a wedding, and a beautiful house, all from a few comments that didn’t really elude to those thoughts. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not saying this is a horrible thing at all; you just have to be in the right part of your relationship for this to happen. The first couple months of dating, probably isn’t the best time to start planning a wedding (oops). A new relationship is exciting, but not that exciting to dream up your happily ever after when you barely know this person. It’s important that in this current phase of post-break up, that I keep tabs on reality and just purely enjoying dating for what it is.
The last thing I’ve come to realize is that as much as I preach self-love, was I really loving myself in all aspect of my life? When it comes to fashion, fun, and health I am a self-loving phenomenon, but when men are involved, I’m taken down a few levels. It’s so important to fully love myself and know what I want in my life (my vision) that I can clearly communicate to the next man who comes into my life. For a long time, I really thought I had it dialed in and knew what I wanted… how wrong was I! I spent a lot of time being wishy-washy in my last relationship that I was giving super mixed messages to this guy, so when I finally said what I thought I wanted it (a big old ring), there was lot of confusion. Now that I am removed from the situation, I really didn’t know what I wanted and I see that the only way for me to know what I want is to know myself. What do I like, love, and hate? Where do I see myself in 10 years? In 5 years? What are my financial goals? What are true deal breakers in relationships? They seem like basic questions, but I really hadn’t thought about them. I knew what I thought sounded good and started them all out with “I don’t know, maybe…” That’s not exactly knowing what I want, right? The biggest post-break discover is that I need to focus on myself by learning, investigating, and healing.
A break up can be crushing when you’ve invested time & love into someone, but the blessing that came from my break up was that I am healing so much differently than I had in the past! I haven’t jumped to a new guys (I’ve gone on dates, but they’ve been more friendship building than anything), went on a wild drinking bender, nor have I drowned myself in misery. Everyone deals with break ups differently, but I think in the mist of wanting the husband, 2.5 kids and a beautiful house with the white picket fence, I found out that I need to keep it 100 and truly break old habits and find a new type of self-love that I didn’t know I was missing. It’s time to work on me and really prepare myself for what I ultimately want in life!